Friday 17 April 2015

"The Farcebook™ Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth" by Susan Howe

OMG - you’re having a baby! 
Here at Farcebook HQ we have compiled some ideas to help you share your experience with friends and family. There’s nothing people enjoy more than nine whole months of hormonal ups and downs. And one day you’ll be glad you kept a detailed account to give your offspring - at his/her eighteenth birthday party, perhaps?
Day One. You’ve done the test and it’s positive - cool! Your instinct is to spread the news and your fingers fly straight to the keyboard. But wait. Although hubby won’t be home for hours and waiting isn’t your thing - trust us - he'll want to be the first to hear. How would you like to find out he was having an affair (just an example - he probably isn’t) via your newsfeed? It’s roughly the same.
Day Two. When hubby has recovered from his delight/shock and the non-alcoholic (for you, not him) celebrations are over, you are free to share with all and sundry. But before you do, try a little experiment. Find out exactly how many friends you have right now and count them again after the birth. You’ll be amazed at the difference!
Keep your announcement simple: ‘I'm pregnant ROFL’ should do the trick. Then sit back and watch the congratulations flood in. Wow! Did you realise you were so popular? Ignore your sister’s gripe that it would have been nice to hear privately first. You’ve never really got along together, especially since you stole her fiancé. However, if you forgot to tell your parents, DO IT NOW. Before she does.
Day Three onwards. First thing each morning let everyone know how you slept. Every twinge, every kick - don’t leave anything out. Remember to include photos of your meals, both before and after they reappear in the loo, because your girlfriends deserve fair warning of what they are in for. Hubby is almost certainly telling his friends, including sleeping in the spare room even though it’s only temporary. Maybe you think he could be more supportive? Ask your Farcebook friends what they think...
The Scan. Your baby may resemble something the cat threw up but it’ll still look awesome to us. And don’t forget to post pictures of The Bump as it grows. It’s probably best to keep your clothes on for those, LOL.
Don’t be alarmed if the numbers responding seem to be dwindling. They’re only jealous because you’re the centre of attention. Asking for suggestions about what to do with the placenta should rekindle their interest.
The Big Day. We want to share it - every last push. If hubby refuses to film it, ask one of the midwives. After all, you’re the one who's doing all the hard work.
So now you’re a family at last. Unless something went wrong, of course (sad smiley). In which case, better luck next time. Don’t worry, whenever you fancy having another go, we'll be here for you!
B4N The Farcebook Team

FlashFlood is brought to you by National Flash-Fiction Day UK, happening this year on 27th June 2015.
In the build up to the day we have now launched our Micro-Fiction Competition (stories up to 100 words) and also our annual Anthology (stories up to 500 words).  So if you have enjoyed FlashFlood, why not send us your stories?
More information about these and the Day itself available at

1 comment:

FlashFlood is OPEN for submissions until 27 April 2024!

FlashFlood is OPEN for submissions from 12:01 a.m. BST on Sunday, 21 April to 23:59 BST on Saturday, 27 April 2024. You can read our submi...