Please reconsider me as a member of the Solar System. I was recently unceremoniously kicked from my status as the ninth planet, with scant regard to my beauty, composition, five moons, my orbital aspirations around the sun, and an atmosphere—okay maybe smelly atmosphere, but methane has feelings too, stop the shaming!
Please! Reconsider!
Respectfully,
Pluto,
Keening in the Kuiper Belt
Dear KKB,
Thank you for your interest in the Solar system. We receive thousands of applications EVERY DAMN EARTH DAY from aimlessly wandering planet-wannabes!
If you don’t hear from us in six moons feel free to send a probe.
Tired,
Solar System
Dear Tired,
This is wrt: Pluto for Planet. It’s been eight moons since I applied. The status hasn’t changed from “Received.” Probing as you suggested.
KKB
Dear KKB,
Probe received. We are still overworked and understaffed.
T
Dear Keening in Kuiper Belt,
Thank you for your application to rejoin the solar system. We gave your application careful consideration. Please don’t take this personally - you have admirable qualities, but at this moment, you are not a right fit for the solar system.
We would like to direct you to “What makes a planet, a planet?” for a full white paper on the subject, but briefly, the three criteria for a solar orbiter to become a planet are:
1. It should orbit the sun (duh), which we haven’t seen you complete
2. It should be a spherical object (you’re kind of an oddball)
3. It should be massive enough to clear debris in its orbit
It is this third criteria that you unfortunately fail.
This is a firm and final rejection and NOT an invitation for you to start an argument.
We wish you the best in finding a perfect home.
Still Tired,
Solar System
Srilatha Rajagopal lives in Florida with her husband of thirty plus years. She was born and raised in Chennai, India. She loves to read, write, cook, garden, spend all her time with her two rescue mini dachshunds. She has been nominated for Best Small Fictions for 2 stories. You can find her words in Off Assignment, Identity Theory, Pithead Chapel, Milk Candy Review, and FlashFlood 2022.
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