'Geordie Mother' by Suzy Aspley

Reet pet. Make sure ya seat belts dun up and ya seats in the reet place. Put the key in the ignition and ya foot on the clutch. Naw, not that one, that's the brake. Bloody hell man ,ave telt ya, clutch on the left, brake in the middle and accelerator on the right.

Dad man, ah nah where the bloody pedals are. Ave already had 20 bloody driving lessons before a even passed me test. A CAN drive ye nah.

Dad, dad oor Mollie's not supposed to swear when am in the car.

Freddie, shurrup yer little shite. Am tryin to concentrate on me drivin like.

Reet Mollie, that's enough, daint speak to ya little brother like that. Let's try at least an gerroff the drive alreet?

Aw bloody hell, a can't get the bloody steerin wheel to move dad. This freakin cars useless. A should have taken me ma's car like she said. A nah how to drive man, it's the bloody car, it's shite.

Daaaad, she's swearing again. Am ganna tell me ma.

Reet Mollie, calm down will ya. Turn the wheel a bit and put the gears into reverse and let's get off the drive. That's right, now slowly.... foot off the clutch and ease her back.

WATCH, WATCH OOT, the's a van comin. JESUS CHRIST MAN BRAKE!!!

Aw dad, man, for fucks sake, a could see the bloody van comin. Jesus man, will ya just lerrus drive or wa never ganna ger oot.

Dad, dad, me tummy's hurtin. Oor Mollie made it hurt when she slammed on the brakes. Am ganna tell me maw, and a need a wee.

REET, THATS IT. AV HAD ENOUGH. This is a waste of time.  Yer all mental man. Am ganna let me Maw oot the boot so she can bloody well drive...........

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