'Hetty Gets in Shape' by Nastasya Parker

Carb-cutting, aqua-pilates, horseback zumba. Give us this day our daily appetite suppressant. Hetty tried all this and more, but nothing had stuck—nothing had unstuck her from herself.

So she splashed out to press everything in. The New You Cookie Cutter had rave reviews from the most shapely Instagrammers. Just the other day, Hetty saw a woman in real life walking along with a heart-shaped Cookie Cutter body atop her legs. Men stared, imagining that point between the woman’s thighs, the symmetrical soft billows of her torso. Some on social media went for star shapes, compressing their legs and arms into spikes. Goodbye, ankle fat.

You could bake yourself into a perfect slim line, or New You had a spherical option if you wanted to go counter-culture. But this was Hetty’s chance for the hourglass frame of her dreams.

The edges were guaranteed not to erode or leaven for three whole years.* Long enough, surely, to snag a dream partner.

Hetty preheated the oven and laid out the hourglass cookie cutter. She’d only need to cram her trunk into it, and live with her arms and legs as they were. They wouldn’t be too incongruous; nonfat yoghurt and chin-up bars must be worth something.

She contorted herself to meet the sharp metal frame. It was cold, but baking would remedy that. It would remedy everything. And if, even with the ideal shape, she still spent her evenings alone, a pint of ice cream would provide solace without blurring her outline.





*Warranty exempt during the festive dining season. Not recommended for pregnant or nursing mothers. Offer void in Wisconsin.