'Uncles' by Carlos Dews

For Eudora Welty and her P.O. 

My UncleJack keeps growing breasts.

It all started when my AuntBettyJean thought he was a burglar and beat him over the head with a police flashlight. (UncleJack is the sheriff of my hometown so there was a police flashlight handy.) She says she was dreaming and woke up and saw this man in her bedroom. She thought he came in through the window so she started beating him with the flashlight. She said the lights were off so she couldn't tell it was her husband.

Ever since then UncleJack’s right arm has been shriveling up and he grows breasts. He goes to the doctor once or twice a year and has them removed, depending on how fast they are growing. The flashlight must have set off some hormonal thing.

UncleJack’s not the first husband of AuntBettyJean’s to have health problems. People say she's real hard on husbands.

First there was UncleChock (the sorry old cuss, as everybody in the family calls him), then UncleJack (the first UncleJack) then there was UncleJoe (he was an army officer in Vietnam), then UncleJack (the one with the breasts), then UncleJack (the doctor), then UncleJack (the one with the breasts) again.

AuntBettyJean has given me more uncles than anybody else in the family. And I've been to a lot of funerals too because of AuntBettyJean's husbands. AuntBettyJean has a Ph.D. in psychology but is retired on the insurance money.

Uncle Chock died in a car wreck and nobody talks about it. Something about the brake lines. But Granny says good enough for the old cuss.

The first UncleJack got electrocuted in the shower. Nobody knows much about the details of this either. So sometimes when I'm telling this story I say that AuntBettyJean said "I thought he said 'Hand me the toaster.’ He must have meant 'hand me the soap.'" This UncleJack was a county judge, so everybody in the family was sad to see him go because it meant that we'd have to pay our traffic tickets.

We don't know what UncleJoe died of. AuntBettyJean woke up one morning and he was dead in the bed next to her. He did drink a lot and take lots of pills, but we don't know if that's what killed him. AuntBettyJean said that the army wouldn't let them do an autopsy on him because of something having to do with top-secret work he did when he was in Vietnam.

Then there was UncleJack (the one with the breasts) the first time. His health was always pretty good. He was AuntBettyJean’s only divorce. But she fixed it by marrying him again later. He was all the nieces and nephews' favorite uncle because he used to buy us lots of fireworks for New Year's and the Fourth of July. I don't know why they got a divorce.

UncleJack (the doctor) was burned up in a house fire. AuntBettyJean had just got back from living in Germany for a while and all her stuff was stored in this house. She had UncleJack stay out at the house with her stuff because she was afraid somebody might mess with it. The house burned one night with UncleJack (the doctor) and all of AuntBettyJean’s stuff in it. He smoked and drank a lot too so most people thought he probably fell asleep with a cigarette.

AuntBettyJean’s still married to UncleJack (the one with the breasts) but they don't live in the same house anymore. She says he snores too much. He says he’s scared.