Saturday 21 June 2014

'Dear Jennifer' by Keith Gillison

Dear Jennifer,

Last night was the most wonderful evening of my life. As I gazed into your eyes
across the dining table, I found myself hypnotised by your beauty. Words cannot
describe my pride at having you as my date, the envious eyes of every male in the
restaurant wishing me ill because I and not they were dining with the most beautiful
creature ever created. The music, the ambience, the food and of course the company
made it a special evening that I will never forget.

It was such a shame you had to leave before the starters arrived. I do of course fully
understand the urgent nature of your departure. Promising to care for your sister-in-
law’s ailing pet is a terribly important responsibility. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is, I
understand, a most serious medical condition for a tortoise. With your attentive care I
have no doubt that Brian will be on the road to recovery in next to no time. Perhaps in
the quiet moments you had alone with Brian you were able to contemplate more fully
my proposal of marriage. You might think it rather sudden given that it was the first
time we had actually met. On reflection, I realise it could have been too soon and my
hiring of a string quartet to play ‘here comes the bride’ may have appeared slightly
presumptuous. I also now realise that your scream may not have been the entirely
positive reaction of acceptance that I first thought it was. Please do take all the time
you need.

Once again I feel I must apologise for the unfortunate misunderstanding that
occurred. As god is my witness, I swear I was not trying to grope your chest but
merely attempting to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre after you accidentally
swallowed the engagement ring. Placing the ring in your champagne flute was
a foolish romantic notion of mine. They say the course of true love never did run
smooth and if that’s the case then we should be encouraged by the odd mishap at
the beginning of our long journey together.

My love for you is profound and deep Jennifer and I will prove this to you on our
second date. I’m free Friday evening if that suits you? Wednesday and Thursday
are also good for me and I’m not currently busy Monday or Tuesday either. I could
make tonight as well. Could you please let the agency know which night is best for
you as for some reason they won’t give me your contact details. They also seem
to have removed you from their website, but I assume that is because you are now
officially ‘spoken for’. I can’t wait to see you again my darling and am counting the
seconds until I can again bathe in your beauty.

Forever yours

PS Could you let me know when you’ve been able to successfully pass the ring
please, it’s been in my family since the reign of King George the third.

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