STRANGE AND TENTACLE-Y
Some of the cuttlefish put their tentacles on your face and it feels like they’re tasting your thoughts maybe. Plus, the old shops still have mannequins and they look like people coming out of the dark towards you.
THESE CUTTLEFISH HAVE THINGS TO SAY
The cuttlefish pulse all over with beautiful colours, great waves of colour spreading across their bodies and they put thoughts in your mind somehow. I can’t remember exactly what they told me, but it was definitely important.
I BROUGHT MY GIRLFRIEND HERE TO PROPOSE AND SHE LEFT ME THE NEXT DAY
I had it written on one of those underwater whiteboards and I thought it would be so romantic. Then the cuttlefish came and did this weird dance around us, and when we got out she said she was sorry but she couldn’t ignore what they told her. She blocked me everywhere and I don’t know where she is. WHAT THE HELL DID THEY SAY TO HER AND HOW DID THEY EVEN SAY IT
WHY CUTTLEFISH THO
There are other marine animals that are way cooler IMO. 2/5 because the parking was decent and the restaurant was pretty nice.
MY SON IS DIFFERENT NOW
The cuttlefish swam round him in spirals, like a dance or something, and I’ve never seen him so happy. When we took him out he said his first and only word: ‘Home’. He now spends all his time drawing cuttlefish and showing them to us. I wish I knew what he was saying.
RECOMMENDATION: IMPLEMENT ‘ROWAN TREE’ PROTOCOL
- Close Aquarium to the public
- Capture resident cuttlefish; redeploy to military-grade installation
- Scrape social channels for anomalous experiences
- Make urgent contact with all affected
- Detain all Aquarium employees for interrogation
Jude Mason is a social-media Luddite with a love of science fiction, a fascination for fairy-tales and the conviction that cats make everything better.
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