'I will check the cleanliness of restaurant kitchens' by Ruth Brandt

Yes, Mum, I’ll remember to call. I’ll remember to keep my bank card and cash in my travel belt, which I will wear at all times, even in the shower. OK, not in the shower. I’ll check hostels for cockroaches and the cleanliness of restaurant kitchens. I will not eat anything from a stall or anything with flies on, or where there could have been flies, or anything that has been touched by human hand. Monkey chefs any good? I know this is serious. I promise to eat properly. But only cooked stuff, except salad, right? I won’t eat salad. Fruit? No fruit, other than peelable bananas that I will peel without touching the fruit? No bananas. I will eat properly, as long as it doesn’t include any fruit or vegetables. I’m not trying to be a smart-arse. No alcohol. A small beer with a meal? OK, no alcohol, ever. Please don’t talk about that, Mum. Please do not say that word one more time. I am not listening. Laa laa. OK, I am listening. Look at me listening with my listening ears. All listen. Just don’t go on about sex. Please, not the condom talk. Enough, Mum. Really! Keep with my friends. Don’t use buses. Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t go off with strangers, however charming they are. Do not under any circumstances get in a car with a stranger. Other than a taxi driver? So, no taxis, other than when I need a taxi because I can’t use a bus, right? What about lions, Mum? I’m not taking the piss, it’s just that... Right, will do. No lions, no monkey chefs, no fruit, no veg, no buses, no taxis, no alcohol, definitely no sex at all whatsoever. And have the best time ever. Certainly will.