Saturday 18 June 2022

'How to Harvest Ghosts: A Five Step Guide and Inventory' by Lyndsey Croal

1. Gloves: This is essential if you don’t want ectoplasm on your hands, which could lead to side effects like hauntings, possession, and in extreme cases, evaporation. If you accidentally touch any ectoplasm, wash your hands thoroughly with a mixture of salt, sage and the blood of your enemies. (Regular warm water will suffice if you don’t have any blood to hand).

2. A vessel: This can be anything from a glass bottle to an ordinary household object. Please note that whatever you choose will no longer function as normal. For example, my possessed-by-Great-Aunt-Magda teapot likes to whistle while I sleep. In cases of vengeful spirits, cover the item in flour or cotton wool. Ghosts hate anything white and fluffy.

3. A lure: Spirits like misery. Try playing melancholic music or reading a scene from Shakespeare to draw them out. Or, even better, bring along one of your enemies and make them cry.

4. An offering: You’re going to want to appease the ghost before any gathering. If you have any of the aforementioned blood left, that will work perfectly. Alternatively, offer some silver or a Sunday crossword puzzle.

5. Grit: Not the literal kind. Please don’t throw tiny stones at the ghosts – that will just make them angry. But you can’t face your average ghost with a few household items and a charming personality. You need determination and resolve.  

And remember: if at first you don’t succeed, you might not live to try again.

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