Buy
this, and your skin will glow. Its surreal luminosity will render you
irresistible to a designer-stubbled warrior with muscles sculpted in
the gym. Your eyes will meet across a dancefloor packed with lithe
bodies, marginally less gorgeous than your own. Your every pose
together will be a flawless still.1
Your
coupling will be free from bodily fluids or grunts or the schloop
of a withdrawn penis. In due course an infant will arrive, perfect,
without blood or vernix. Your consort will remove his shirt and
cuddle the infant to his broad ripped chest, thus revealing his New
Man sensitivity. You will regain your figure swiftly, with the aid of
a macrobiotic diet, exercise regime, and specially formulated
multivitamins. 2
Your
son will grow tall, brushing his large teeth three times a day with
whitening toothpaste. His father will teach him to drive fast cars,
to hunt, and to scent weakness.3
Once
your fortune-favoured offspring has left home to commence his
brilliant future 4
the two of you, still in love and without an ounce of fat or an
eyebag between you, will set sail on the luxury cruiser Sunset
Bliss to
enjoy the fruits of your meaningful lives, and have vigorous sex for
ever and ever. 5
Limited
offer, one week only. Buy one, get one free.
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1
After the wedding, after the eight-page feature titled True
Life
Cinderella
Romance, you
visit Dr K, cosmetic surgeon to the insanely rich. Dr K. says it's
never too early to start. You both agree.
2 The
year your son turns five, your husband finds out about Emilio the
personal trainer, and you discover that he subscribes to a service
called Suck'n'Grind. The society pages ask, Golden
Couple on the Rocks? Your
husband puts limits on your credit cards, says if there’s a custody
battle, he will win. He murmurs,
Don’t worry, I’ll never let you go.
3 You
find vodka works better than Emilio, Jon, or Sven. You don’t ask
about your husband’s current distraction of choice. Your son sees
Dr O, therapist to the stars, three times a week about his night
terrors. Your husband says, We
can fix this. You
lie awake, listening for the screams.
4
Your son joins a commune in the Rockies, signing over his trust fund
to its leader. WhatsApp images show him dreadlocked and beatific,
standing in front of a turf-roofed cabin with his new tribe. His
final message reads I
love you both, but I’m through drinking poison. Your
husband says you’re to blame, you always spoiled the kid. You
agree.
5
Beside
the infinity pool, your husband tops up your glass while he outlines
a plan to have your son snatched and deprogrammed. You imagine
shouldering a backpack, hitching rides all the way to the mountains,
growing your hair wild and long. You yawn and say, Leave
him, he’ll come to his senses eventually. A
long moment later, your husband agrees.
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