Saturday 24 June 2017

'+++ Memo: Advice for aspiring Miss Universe contestant +++' by Dave Hubble

Well done. You’ve won Miss World.

You’ve swimworn, evening-dressed and world-peaced your way up the beauty ladder and managed to avoid any slippery scandals on the way. You’re officially the best the Earth has to offer.

However, be aware it’s a big universe out there but a handful of carefully placed sequins will be a lot more use to you than a couple of men in black suits. If you work hard and follow the advice in this guide, who knows? You might even become the first Terran to wear the Quantum Crown.

First, the Aesthetics Committee. Chief Judge Kirk always picks the green girls, so there’s not much you can do to get his vote if an Orion gets to the final stages. If not, at least he’ll probably choose an endoskeletal biped.

Xenomorphs aren’t much of a problem even if one of the Committee is insectoid – they always wish for interstellar war during the interview section, and as the saying goes, “spraying acid by self-harming never comes across as charming”. Judge Giger was the only one who had a thing for them and he’s taking a post-life Sabbatical on LV-223.

Greys are no problem, they all look exactly same and for some reason most beings find it difficult to remember that they actually exist. They haven’t had a contender since Miss Roswell 1947 and we all know how that ended. Don’t underestimate some of the others though – the Predatrix from Yautja Prime’s got some of the most shapely maxillary appendages in the business, and with Klingons, they’ll  corner the ‘like ‘em tough’ votes. Your main rivals are most likely the Romulan (Vulcans consider the contest to be subjective and thus illogical) and I hear there’s a very highly rated Nibari so lock up your boyfriends as well as your valuables. The Andorian’s got some seriously expressive antennae too and it’s worth learning to read them if you can – there’s a vid-guide attached with the this data-packet.

That should be enough to get you started. Don’t forget to look though the Committee and contestant lists to see who might be favourable – or dangerous. A conflict-map is also attached to show you who definitely won’t vote for who. Use it to your advantage, stay in touch, and good luck!

+++ Ends +++

1 comment:

  1. I am 16 year old and live in long island. winning the miss universe competition has always been a dream of mine! I wish i can achieve that dream


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