Ah went doon tae the co-op this efternin to get summit fur tea. Ah waantit tae try summit different. Summit mair...exotic. Ah lookt at the pizzas, so ah did. Mullions o them, there wur. They hid aw types. Hawaiin wi pineapple oan them, some wi fancy sausages and tuna an that. They even hid a haggis wan! But could ah find a pizza wi nae cheese oan it?Could ah fuck.
So ah wandered ower tae the chinese stuff.
See me? See chinkies? Ah love them, so ah dae.
There wis sweet an soor chicken, chow mein, lemon chicken - bit evry wan o them hid veggies in them and see ma man? See veggies? He canny stand them.
It wis the same wi the Indian stuff and even the co-op’s ain spag bol hid mushrooms in it and cheese oan toap.
So ah went tae the butcher’s doon in the precinct tae see whit they hid tae tempt mi. My goad! The prices he wis chargin for sausages? He shoulda been arrestit, so he should.
Ahm tellin ye, ah wis at ma wit’s end.
There wis nuthin’ left furrit. It wis anither night at the chippy. A double jumbo smoked sausage supper wi extra chips fur him. And Big Tam at the fryer, he aye slips a wee bit o sumthin special intae ma chicken supper fur me. Usually, it’s a bit o extra chicken, sumtimes it’s a pickle. But this time? This time he slipped me his jumbo sausage, roon the back o the shoap where the sacks of tatties ur. The earth might no a moved, but by goad, they tatties fair shoogled.
See ma man? See cheese? He hated it.
But see Big Tam? He likes cheese, veggies, chicken and even salad.
And see me? Ah like ma new man.
[If you're struggling reading this, you can also listen to it here: http://audioboo.fm/boos/
That was very funny, Nettie! I think I more or less got all of it...but shoogled left me scratching ma wi heed. xReplyDelete
Loved this! Really enjoyed listening to it too. Great ending, left me smiling! Thanks.ReplyDelete
Thank you both! I had fun writing it xReplyDelete
omg this is so funny Nettie near spilt ma drinkReplyDelete
Nettie - I can't believe it's taken me this long to let you know how much I loved this story! It's fantastic. I love the humour and what a great voice you used here. Oh, and I'm glad you included it in your anthology (which by the way I also love).ReplyDelete