Thank you for calling the thoughts and prayers hotline. You are 3,114,568th in the queue. Please be patient while we process your call. Your prayer is important to us. Please stay on the line and we will be with you as soon as possible.
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Thank you for your patience. You are 3,114,576th in the queue. We understand your frustration at being further back in the queue. Please be patient while we triage prayers. Some prayers hold higher precedence than others due to VIP privileges. In order to progress more quickly, please enter your credit card number at the tone.
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Thank you for calling the thoughts and prayers hotline. Your call is important to us. We thank you for your patience and we appreciate your donation. You have been advanced in the queue back to your original place of 3,114,568. Anticipated wait time is approximately forty days and forty nights.
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Thank you for calling the thoughts and prayers hotline. Due to inclement weather, our lines are busier than normal. The Great Flood is the result of a VIP prayer fulfillment. We will be with you as soon as possible. You may wish to contact your insurance provider to check whether your policy covers acts of God.
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Thank you for your patience. Due to the Great Flood, the queue has been reset. Eight VIPs remain in the queue. We regret that you are not one of those eight. Only those who made it aboard the ark will now be considered for prayer fulfilment. We apologize for the inconvenience of your death by drowning.
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Thank you for calling the thoughts and prayers hotline. You can rest assured that your memory will live on in our thoughts. We hold you in our prayers.
Shantell Powell is an elder goth/swamp hag who grew up in an apocalyptic cult but got better. She makes up weird stuff about nature, fairytales, and religion. Her work appears in Nightmare, Augur, The Deadlands, and more, and she is writing too many books at a time.
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