'How to Deploy an Antimemetic Field Device: Restaurant Edition' by Chris Clemens

Human memories are fragile and should not be tampered with (unless necessary). In this case, tampering has been deemed necessary. No further questions are required.

1. Retrieve the antimemetic field device from its secure storage compartment, located in the kitchen for default Corporation restaurant modules.
2. Install the device [assembly #5542023B] on the front counter. If questioned, explain: “It’s an update.” Further: “It’s a milkshake machine.” If target attempts to leave the restaurant, activate local lockdown procedure. Shout “Get down!” or “Free milkshakes!” as needed.
3. While initializing [blinking red light], defend device as needed from aggressive customers/employees. Fourteen percent of people within range will experience uncontrollable rage when exposed to zeta wave emissions. The Corporation discourages inflicting visible injuries upon customers. To this end, padded gloves and knee guards (not provided) are recommended.
4. Upon activation [green light], anybody within twenty metres will sway, dazed, much stupider than usual. Fourteen percent will crumple to the floor.
5. After confirming mission success, proceed to mitigate any secondary liabilities – flash personal recordings, drag prone customers into seats, guide employees away from deep fryers, etc.
6. Disassemble and return device. As people regain consciousness, ask questions like “What happened? Did anyone see the lights flicker? Is this more so-called climate change?” 
7. Return to normal duties. Again, no further questions, and thank you for following protocol!

The Corporation appreciates your service/compliance and will continue to provide sustenance and love to any dependents in our care. The world is wonderful and things are great – if they weren’t, would you even remember?

 

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Chris Clemens teaches and writes in Toronto, surrounded by raccoons. His stories and poems appear in Best Microfiction 2026, Radon Journal, Strange Horizons, Year’s Best Canadian Fantasy and Science Fiction, and elsewhere. Find more at linktr.ee/clemenstation.