At five, I braved wild things, a very hungry caterpillar and a tiger that came to tea. I started studying Judo.
At eight, I went on a journey with a house-proud hobbit and fell down a rabbit hole with Alice. I added boxing to my regime.
Around ten, I met a wise, messianic lion and chased a magical, moving castle. I discovered the complexities of Kung Fu.
In my early teens, I explored a chocolate factory and befriended a lonely bookworm with telekinesis. I practised Muay Thai.
At fifteen, I battled alongside Lyra, Katniss and Percy. I took up archery.
For my remaining teens I became truly adventurous. I returned to Middle Earth, hung out in Maine with Mr King, travelled to alternative homes and different planets with Ursula, George and Margaret. I began working on my cardio and lifting weights.
When I reached twenty, I was almost ready. Dickens, Ballard, Morrison, McCarthy were my instructors. I added Filipino weapons to my arsenal.
The final system I had to master was the Dewey Decimal System, then I could accept my vocation. We don’t care about, creed, colour or religion. Everyone is welcome at our dojo of the mind, except rabid page burners and book banning zealots. We don't stand for any of that nonsense and trust me you don't want to mess with a combat librarian. We are masters of shelf defence.
To use our service, we only have a few polite requests. Look after the precious publications. There are so few remaining. Also, make sure you return the books on time. In kinder times we used to send terse reminders and issue fines. We are more draconian now.
Joel Bryant is a UK-based hospital worker. An avid reader and occasional flash and short story scribbler, he would like to be more productive with his writing, but he lives with two very demanding cats.
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